...Naked Amid Rolls of Toilet Tissue

Today my temperament was like the weather we've been experiencing. I know this gives a bad rap to rain showers, but today I would consider them negatively. So it was a low day, but not-so-low-I-require-caffeine day. It started off well, owing to the spectacular consecutive wins in two games of Checkers when I was supposed to be watching the football game with the group. I must confess that I'd rather watch curling than football, but then we all know it's the group one watches it with that sets the tone.
You see, you really don't need to know anything about football to get into it. These dudes/dudettes who make their millions reporting/arguing on stats of this player and number of catches by this player...well they can keep their jobs. Interesting thing IS that football is mainstream, and has a large spectator base. But then with these key ingredients, one can make anything big.
I wonder sometimes if I could successfully market a show about ants.
These little multi-segmented body-type things are really exciting to watch. They work together better than any football team ever could. They can PULL things which are twenty times their size; no matter how many steroids you give to a line-backer, they couldn't manage the feat. Ants are vicious to outsiders. They are tireless and don't require millions spent on sports therapy, so the show would never have to end! Think of the ratings! If you're down with spectatering (I was thinking of spectators and potatoes when I made up the previous word) parallel lines of dudes, specifically parallel lines of dudes who face off with each other in a three point stance, well I'll take my camera and zoom in on the parallel lines of ants in a constantly motile SIX-POINT stance as they navigate to and fro some food source and stop to check a foe, the course, etc.
Anyway, tangent done. Back to checkers. A Sebastian and an Ava challenged me to a game of checkers. While one played the other refereed (aka made up rules to help their buddy win against me). I trounced both of them. When I learnt their ages were a wily six each, I still felt a strong sense of accomplishment. Mrs. Oomph yelled at me for doing so, but I reveled in the grandeur anyway. But I told her next pair of six-year-olds who challenge me I'll let win.
Today, I didn't win. I woke up late and didn't get a chance to do the things I'd planned. Crunch time 'till the next test leaves me nervous of sorts. My temperament slowly lost pizazz to match this fine gray day.
The end of the day livened up a bit with a near mishap. I was about to enthrone myself on the toilette when I found not but two gleaming sheets on the roll. Naked for a pre-shower defecation, I birthday-suited it up the ladder to the attic and into the TV box to snag three rolls: one for installment, the other two for reserve.
I backed down the steps I'd labored up and promptly lost balance on the third from the bottom. Hell! I auto-administer yoga one day a week in a class at the local gym! This isn't acceptable from a man with my reputed balancing talents!
Long story short, I managed to catch myself with a heel hook on the door and swing my nakedness back so that my CG was between grounded foot and the inclined ladder. Fabulous thing: my jewels were lower than the rung in closest proximity to them. Saved by the heel hook. What an attention-demanding pose I found myself in! (please take a second to imagine it...smiles anyone?).
It occurred to me that a great way to get attention is death. Death has always intrigued people. Why someone who was there a minute ago is now lying rigid. All major religions capitalize on the morbid expectation of it and what the hell we should do now so as to engineer the correct route AFTER it. If there's a slip-and-slide, please let me ride it wherever it may take me...I mean come on, how captive an audience do you want to make? I listen to a good speaker because they engage with their oratory and antics, not because they tell me my presence and attention shall truly deserve a fancy dinner afterward. But then again the invitation to free food does grip an organism's psyche, and I would certainly listen if a scrumptious five-course was the end result. There you have it; the REASON for the enticing entrapment of a grand religion: no one can pass up the EXPECTATION of a fancy dinner. I'd eat myself to death I would. Back to death.
Some fear it. Some revel in how close they can get to it and still come back "alive." But it's certainly an attention-getter, death is. I figure mine would make a great story in the newspaper with the headline: Man Found Dead on Kitchen Floor, Naked Amid Rolls of Toilet Tissue. Talk about your hooks! People would certainly tune in to the news story. Or even better, the deadpan ignorant way most of us watch the tube, the story would just come on and hopefully snap us out of our stupors. If I was really lucky, people would even get the urge to use the bathroom and might even burn up a few calories on the trip. So the story of my death would combat the freakin EPIDEMIC of obesity which grips our nation like a fat-man's claw on a McDonald's burger. I almost gave my life for a headline. But no...
Alas, my life is too dynamic, my dreams unsatiated, my love developing and unquenched, the music I produce too terrible; my mind to curious, and my loved ones too goddamn amazing. Tonight I thwarted an attempt on my naked life by the very squares which serve to clean my behind.
Death blinked first folks. Death blinked first...